Jane here. Things didn’t go entirely to plan today, and my initial reaction is recorded here (with Philip’s permission – he has been too sleepy to post):
Oh my God. It’s 4pm on Friday 18th November, the big ‘D’ day and they aren’t going to put the tube down! Unbelievable. The doctor has had 2 emergencies to deal with apparently, and so of course he has run out of time. Ha.
Apparently I, and everyone else, has to learn about not being attached to a) timing of a particular event, and b) the outcome of an event.
Difficult when it is a life or death situation. But this is not the first time we have been presented with this lesson to be learnt. Nor the first time that we have to see that we are not ‘special cases’, able to bump up the queue, or that just because we think in a certain way, that it will happen.
In fact it is the third time. I watch in amazement after these events as I see that my mind got caught up in believing and thinking that a particular event was going to happen – the endoscopy the first time, when the actual result was that they couldn’t see anything to do it because of the amount of gunge in Philip’s stomach); it happened again last Friday afternoon when I forgot the first lesson (completely) and was given another outcome that I hadn’t imagined (the opportunity to do the procedure again); and now it has happened for a third time, and I STILL fell for it! Amazing! I believed that something will happen just because it was scheduled in a calendar; just because someone in authority had told me it will happen; and just because I wanted it to happen.
It’s true that this is often what does happen of course – but events conspire to interfere often enough for me to question all this.
It must be the same for outcomes too. How do I know what the outcome of these procedures will be? It looks like there are only 2 options – get a tube down and have successful feeding, or not get a tube down and die (eventually). But how do I know that there aren’t other options that my mind has not thought of?
So the real truth is – I have no clue what is going to happen, or when. The only thing that is sure is what is happening right now, in the moment. That is all. As Wayne Liquorman says, ‘What is, is’.
It’s quite funny in a weird sort of way – I just got caught again by my own ego!
The good thing is that time does not exist in the spiritual realm, and so everyone’s thoughts, prayers and love is still entirely relevant. It’s just the mind that thinks that’s not the case…
AND – a scan was done this morning, and the initial results show that there has been no further spread of cancer (this is to be confirmed on Monday by a specialist). This is important because assuming there really is no further spread, there is a possibility of a surgeon placing a Peg feeding system directly into his intestine. More about this at the end of Monday.
So a BIG THANK YOU to everyone who has been thinking of us – it makes a huge difference.